Welcome to CJ's Rainbow Residency

Memories of CJ

When I first met you CJ, the world for me was very different. I was only 6 years old and you had the same attitude as me: all play all the time. My dad was still alive, along with mom-mom and pop-pop on both sides of the family, Tricia our cousin, and our older dog Shawn. Through all of these deaths, CJ was there. Condolences from humans were always appreciated, but didn't mean a fraction as much as a hug from you. Sometimes what you need isn't a a reason or rhyme, but just someone to care. You didn't know why I was crying, all that mattered was that I was in distress. Perhaps it was with your help that I began to deal with death and loss on my own. Until you died last week, I was proud of my abilities of embracing death. I never realized, though, that I probably couldn't have done it without you. I don't know how to go on without you. You really were my best friend. I'm so sorry that we had to take your life. Mom couldn't do it alone, and I was leaving soon. The vet told us you might last another month, but that it wouldn't be pleasant. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy and selfish. Yes, I wanted you there for myself, but more than that I recognized your huge will to live, how every time you fell down you stood back up and shook it off. I know you wanted to eat but you just couldn't. Thank you for letting me pet you while you fell asleep the night before. I'll never forget it. I tried to help you my entire like the best I could: petting you every single night before I went to sleep, sneaking you pieces of cheese, playing peekaboo, chasing you around the kitchen island, rushing home when you got sick, holding you while you took your last breath. You struggled and they had to muzzle you. There's your strong will again. I never believed in heaven, but the second you died I prayed that there was one just so I could see you again. I have no idea how to get over this. Ceej, I stay up every night until 3 tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep because I'm so afraid of the void in my life where you once were. I hope you are happy and that you don't resent me for helping put you to sleep. I never wanted to. I wish every single person I meet could have known you. If I do see you at the rainbow bridge, know that I will be there with open arms and cheese in hand. Love you more than anything. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ CJ, it has been a little over a month and so much has happened. You were in my dream last night. You were laying next to me, nuzzling wherever you could. You were healthy and not in pain. This was the most beautiful part. I'm so thankful for that dream because I got to not only see you again, but feel your presence. It reminded me that since we had grown used to it, we didn't realize how much pain you were in. Feeling you in my dream was wonderful, and I woke up feeling happy. We got a new puppy, and it was a real mess to get her. Mom asked if I would dive to North Carolina to pick up a puppy who was at a rescue shelter in Greensboro. It was really random, because she said weeks before, adamantly, that she didn't want to transport a dog, and she didn't one one with a black face. Well, here I was, driving 8 hours there and 8 hours back to pick up a little black faced Jack Russell puppy we named Hayley. I'm not sure if you'd like her, she's pretty crazy. I thought for a while I would have had to go through another death. On the way home, Hayley got really sick. We thought she was just traumatized, but after she hadn't gotten better the next morning, we took her to the vet. She had parvo, and a 30% chance of survival. Maybe it was you shining down on me, but she made it. Mom was really upset for a while, thank god the puppy pulled through or I don't know what mom would have done. I decided not to pity myself for my losses, but rather to have compassion. There's a difference. Anyway, we ended up changing puppy's name to Cayley, which means brave in Gaelic. I can't wait to meet her healthy. I hope you're there watching over us. I met another doggy friend who broke my heart and inspired me to dedicate a part of my life to shelter dogs. You don't know how great you had it, CJ! Brandy is a wheaton airdale terrier mix, and she was with my on most of my journey back home from picking up Caley. I dropped her off to her new owner in MD. I found out a week later that the woman no longer wanted the dog. Brandy is so sweet, and when I picked her back up from the woman's house, I could tell right away she was heartbroken that she was being taken away from her new home. She looked at me like, "Why? What did I do wrong?" I never realized how much a dog needs love until I saw a dog torn away from it's true love. I'm starting an animal welfare group here at school. Anyway, I feel assured in the fact that I loved you with every beat of my heart while you were alive, and still today when you're not. I know you loved me too. Please be happy, give everyone else up there my love. I almost forget to mention all of the WONDERFUL, wonderful people here at the Rainbow Bridge site. To any of them reading this, you truly had made this experience exponentially better for me. It is so beautiful and inspiring to feel compassion from other people. I want to take a moment to thank you all for loving so much and opening your arms so wide. Love you so, so much CJ, Stephanie _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Ceej. It feels nice to say that. It feels like it's been forever since I've spoken directly to you. SO much has changed in the year since you've passed. Today was our first Christmas without you, and I'm confused by how effortless the entire season has been. I usually am completely overcome by grief. Maybe your gift to me has been the seed of peace, and newness. Cayley is a pain in the butt, but she is still just a puppy. She makes us laugh hysterically, so we will keep her around as long as we can. Rereading everything I felt for you before brought back all of those feelings. I don't feel I will as eloquently describe how I feel right now, but I think it has to do with acceptance. I do think everything would be better if you were still here, but I know that you aren't and that I have to do my best to carry on your legacy of helpfulness and grace. Perhaps I will write more when it comes closer to your passing day. I love you SO much CJ, truly more than anything I have ever loved.I know your love will manifest itself in a different way, though. Thanks for still being there for me. Please say hello to the pets of all the absolutely wonderful people who have shared their hearts with me. They must be angels and not even know it. Love, Stephie

Photograph Album
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CJ's People Parent(s), Stephanie, would appreciate knowing you have visited their Baby's Residency. Click here to Email Stephanie a message, or to send a sympathy card click here. Email this page to a friend. Give a gift renewal of CJ's residency.

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