Welcome to Tallulah's Rainbow Residency

Memories of Tallulah

On Monday, May 19, I had to put my beloved Tallulah to sleep. She had been suffering from kidney disease for three years and had already beaten the odds several times, most recently in September, when the vet said she was in the end stage and had weeks to a couple of months left. That was 8 months ago. She made a miraculous rebound and we were fortunate to have had that time with her. She was so happy when we all moved in together as a family three months ago. She loved this apartment. She had her own bathroom! Over the past few weeks, she became increasingly weak and spent even more of her days sleeping, but she still ate with gusto and let us know when it was feeding time. She enjoyed sunning in her window perch and drinking only the water that we kept in the studio. Last weekend, Paul was in Denver for his grandmother's funeral, and Tallulah and I were here alone. She slept a lot, but sometimes came into the studio where I was working and sat behind my chair until I got down and petted her for a while. This was unusual behavior for her; she had grown to dislike being touched because her skin was so sensitive. Sunday morning, I found her happily sunning in her perch, but she wouldn't eat the breakfast I delivered to her. Paul came home that evening, and I think that was what she was waiting for. We watched her that night, and in the morning, she was just sitting on the studio couch, not moving much and not wanting food. When Paul tried to clean off some food from her chin with a wet cloth, she toppled over. We took her to a vet near us, who was kind and understanding, and who thought and hoped, like we did, that maybe another dose of fluids like in September, along with antibiotics and vitamin B, might give her some more time. I'd sworn all her life that I'd never make her stay once her quality of life was gone, so there were to be no home injections or medications, ever. We brought her home, and she ate some of her food. Then she crawled into her bed and stayed there for most of the day. I sat next to the bed and read to her and petted her all afternoon, hoping she'd fall asleep and just slip away. But at 4:15, she started to get up, so I put the bed on the floor and watched her try to get out of the bed. She couldn't stay on her feet. She fell, righted herself, and then peed on the carpet. This, to me, was the sign from her that she was ready. This loss of dignity was more than she or I could bear. I took her back to the vet shortly after that. The end was very peaceful, and the staff at the hospital was wonderful. I had plenty of time with her in a nice room used only for euthanasia - no metal tables; watercolors on the walls of sleeping dogs and cats; it overlooked a lovely garden behind the hospital - before the doctor came in to deliver the medicine, and once I had held her head in my hands, looking into her eyes and telling her how much I loved her, she did appear to go to sleep, laying her head on her paws. I held her for a long time afterward, talking to her about all of the places we'd been together and the adventures we'd had. I told her to go play with Otis, her big brother, and that she would always be a part of her dad and me. We miss her terribly, and without her, the world doesn't seem right. I was lucky enough to be rescued by Tallulah Bankcat Garver 18 years and 2 months ago in a dreary apartment next to a crack den in New York. She would have been 19 in September. She was one of a kind. 5/23/08 Well, baby, it's day 4 without you, and Daddy and I have giant holes in our hearts. We have talked about you with each other and other people all week, and cried over you, and managed to laugh at some of our memories and pictures. We miss you so much. I still can't imagine a world without you, baby. Every morning for over 18 years, when I woke up, feeding you was my first order of business (and if I wasn't quick enough about it, you let me know!). I don't know how to not be a mom to someone. I know I'll always be your mom, of course, and you will always be in my broken heart, but today Daddy and I are doing something that we think you decided for us. When we took you to the vet on Monday morning, we all met a big black kitty named Stripe with white paws and a bib, just like you, who had been hit by a car and paralyzed. He made an amazing recovery thanks to the vets at Danvers Animal Hospital, and he has been there for a month waiting for someone to adopt him. You spoke to him from your carrier, and we think he reminded you of Otis. That night, after we'd lost you, Daddy asked me if Stripe should come to live with us. I couldn't get him out of my head. We went back to meet him on Wednesday night, and your dad said the light came back into my eyes as I looked at Stripe - a light that he thought he'd never see again. We are picking up Stripe this afternoon, honey, and he's going to come to live with us. We aren't trying to replace you - but you know that. We never could. It's just that our house and hearts are so empty without you, and we're saving this kitty, who would have to be put to sleep before too long because the rescue people can't afford to keep boarding him at the vet. Most of all, we think he's saving us a little. The three of us are broken and hurting, and we hope that we can all help each other to heal. Auntie Sly says you led us to him and the reason you held on as long as you did was to make sure that we had someone to take care of us. I think she's right. We're renaming him Lester, after Jon Lester from your dad's beloved Red Sox, who threw a history-making no-hitter on the night that you left us and the day that we met him. That was the only game your dad has missed in years. He didn't even know about it until the next day. No one but you is more important than the Sox! I can't write any more now, baby. The tears are falling too fast. I'll get better at this. By the way, you have so many new friends where you are. Yesterday Mommy got so many emails and guest-book signatures and sympathy cards from total strangers who saw your website. All of their kitties and puppies have welcomed you to Rainbows Bridge and I know you're watching over your poor old Mom, who will never, ever stop loving you. 5/24/08 Good morning, my sweetheart. The hole in my heart isn't any smaller today, but we have felt your presence so strongly in the last 24 hours. Lester came home with me yesterday afternoon and the first thing he did was go into your cube. He ran right out the other end, like a tunnel! He sniffed everywhere, and spent some time in your perch on Auntie Sly's blue blankie. He likes to be petted and held, which you used to before you got sick, and he lets me kiss him! I know - you hated that for the last few years. I'll always have the little scar on my upper lip from the night I learned you were sick and I buried my face in your tummy. I had to go to the ER that night, you scamp! Whenever I need to feel close to you, I can just feel the scar and it will bring a little smile to my face. Lester slept with us last night, and he takes up a lot more room than you!!! He won't stop purring. And we're pretty sure you had something to do with his playing with his toy mouse under the bed at 6 AM. :) We told him all about you and showed him pictures, and he knows his big sister. Daddy and I are so grateful to you for bringing us to Lester. As I said yesterday (and all the times I've talked to you not on here), he will never take your place. I got a beautiful note from your grandma yesterday. She is so very sad and misses you so much. She remembers you going to Camp Grandma and sitting behind the white curtain at the sliding glass door, waiting for the chipmunk to run up on the deck to get seeds, and then you'd pounce at the glass or screen. We all enjoyed watching that. I know Grandpa remembers how every morning when he had his breakfast, you'd drape yourself over his right arm so he had to eat and drink left-handed. He misses you, too. Have a happy day, love, and please tell Otis and Poe how much we miss and love them, too. Love, Mommy 5/25/08 Hi, Baby. One week ago today I woke up and found you sunning in your perch on a beautiful morning just like this one. I brought you your breakfast and you humored me by eating some of it, but that was the last time you got in the perch. I'm so happy you spent some of your final moments in the sunny window. Lester likes to get in it at night, which is weird. He is still very sweet, but crazy! He's wearing us out, and somehow I think you are enjoying that. :) Daddy made you a beautiful planter full of pink petunias (he swears that was your favorite color) and white baconas, and it sits right outside my studio so I can see it while I'm working. We're going to try to go to a cookout at Dad's parents' today, to see Uncle Jerry and Aunt Joanie, who also miss you very much. We'll be thinking of you and loving you, always. Mommy 6/24/08 Baby, I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written. I am having a really hard time acknowledging that it's been 36 days since you left me. Some days I don't know how I make it through. Daddy just made a wonderful CD of pictures of you from the last three years, and I looked at it and remembered each one. I'm taking them to my new therapist tonight to show her. She specializes in pet loss, and she's very nice. I think she's going to help me, but that doesn't mean I'm ever going to stop thinking about you and loving you. I keep reliving those last moments with you, and I just hope you don't remember anything but being in my arms and knowing how much I love you. I'm sorry I didn't sing to you that last day; how could I have forgotten to do that? I sing to you now; do you hear me? I gave Daddy the picture frame with the paws on it that you got him for Fathers' Day, and I put the picture of the two of you after the World Series in it. He loves it. You also sent Grandpa a nice photo and card, and he says he looks at it every day and remembers what a great "meerkat" you were. I'm going to be better about writing to you here, and adding pictures. I need to be strong. I hope you are happy, Lula. I love you forever. 9/1/08 It's been a long time, again, my love, and I'm sorry. I think of you every day, and I know you're with me. I saw you in the dining room a while ago, and although it was unnerving, I was glad that you are the first ghost to come to our haunted apartment. Daddy and I just planted some pretty burgundy mums in your planter. Your lovely pink petunias lasted all summer, but finally had to go. Daddy gave me the last bloom from them and I am pressing it in a book along with one of the mums. I did something today that I wish I'd done with the petunias: I put some of your ashes in the dirt, so I know they will grow strong and beautiful, just like you. It was very hard to hold you in my hand like that and believe that it was you, but I am happy that you are really now a part of the planter that we will keep going in all seasons, never changing the soil. We talk about you with Lester all the time, and he knows all about his brave sister. He is a good boy, but we miss you even more when he wakes us up at 4 AM. :) Here is another picture of him for you. I love you, Lula. 9/7/08 Happy birthday, my sweet Lula. I have been thinking about you nonstop for the last couple of days, and here it is, your 19th birthday. I hope you are at peace and that you will have as happy a day as you deserve. Daddy just brought my coffee in the mug with your picture on it, but he's staying out of my way because he knows how hard this day is for me. I also just heard from your Aunt Gail that her dog, Phoebe (Cosmo's sister) joined you at the Bridge last night. Please look for her and keep her company with Cosmo and Otis. I don't know how I'm going to spend your day, honey. If the weather clears up, I'd like to take a long walk on the beach or find some birds to feed. I'll let you know what I end up doing. Know that I will have you on my mind all day. I love you more today than yesterday and not as much as I will tomorrow. Happy birthday, baby. 12/25/08 Merry Christmas, my sweet girl. I don't want you to think that I have forgotten about writing to you. Sometimes it is so hard to take this step. Right now, I am crying so hard I can't see. On your birthday, Dad and I went to Plum Island and sat on the beach for a few hours. I read my book and we swam in the ocean. I thought about you the whole time; it was very peaceful and beautiful, and the sky was the color of your eyes. I meant to write to you on my birthday, which was very hard for me, as I hadn't had a birthday without you in so long, but I just couldn't do it. I think about you every day and my heart breaks every time. Christmas this year was supposed to be so joyous - our first together in our own house as a family. Instead, unwrapping the Garfield ornament Daddy and I bought for you after Christmas last year was so sad, as was finding the ornament I made with you and Otis on it 14 years ago, when I had you both. It's hanging right in the middle of the tree, next to Otis' special ornament and your tiara ornament, and the birdfeeder ornament Grandma and Grandpa gave you last year. I haven't spent a Christmas without you in 19 years, baby. It doesn't seem right to celebrate anything now. I miss you every single day, and I keep getting mad at myself for not putting together your photo album or decorating your urn yet. I know that subconsciously, I think that once I do that, I'll be saying goodbye to you, but I know that isn't true - I will never say goodbye to you. You are my heart and you always will be. Lester is a good kitty and I love him very much, and he has helped to make these past 7 months and 6 days easier, but you are my baby. Just now, when I brought your urn into the studio to write to you, he came in and laid down beside me as if he knew I needed support. He knows all about you, and his favorite time of day is Lula Treat time. You chose a good brother, my love. Thank you for finding him for us. Daddy gave me a pair of earrings that look like you today. I love them, but I know whenever I wear them and anyone asks me about them, I will start bawling. It's okay, though - I will feel closer to you when I have them on. I hope you are happy, my love. I hope you have no more pain, and I hope that you know how very much your brokenhearted mom loves you. You brought such joy and companionship into my life for such a long time that I can never express my gratitude. When people see your picture, as they did last night at our Christmas Eve party, they always say how beautiful you were. You were, and always will be, the most beautiful girl in the world. I keep thinking about our first Christmas together. We were in LA, and it was ridiculously hot as I got the tree and dragged it home across the Magic Castle parking lot in a t-shirt and shorts. I trimmed it and you decided that the ornaments on the bottom were fun to knock off, so I had to leave the bottom 6 inches bare for the next couple of years. We had a nice Christmas that year and every year after, sometimes at Grandma and Grandpa's; sometimes with no tree; sometimes with Aunt Elaine; sometimes with Grandma and Grandpa; sometimes all by ourselves; but they were always full of love. When I didn't have anyone else to be with, I didn't care because I always had you. As lovely as today was with Daddy and his family, something was missing: coming home to my best girl. I miss you. I love you more than I can say. Thank you for so many Christmases. You changed my life and I am a better person for it. Love, Mommy 5/19/09 My sweet Lula, today is the anniversary of our last day together. I have dreaded this day for months. I went to Plum Island this afternoon, and it was another beautiful sunny day with a cloudless sky the color of your eyes. I wrote you a long letter in the journal that I have decided to keep for you. I know I don't get on here often to write, but I hope to be better about that as well. I finally wrote you a poem today, too. I just can't believe that a year has passed without your beautiful little face to greet me each morning. There is still a huge hole in our house, and in my heart. Daddy and I held each other last night for a long time after the clock chimed midnight and we knew this day was here. He put up your shelves yesterday, and I got you a new urn today, and we're finally making the Lula wall that I've wanted to for so long. I'll take pictures and put them up here. Lester is being very sweet and I think he knows what's going on. It will be hard to be joyous in four days as we celebrate his birthday, but he has been so helpful in the past year. We do love him. He will never take your place, and you know that. I have to go now, sweetie, but I'll be back soon. Thank you for everything. I love you. 5/13/10 Baby, it's been almost a year and I have no excuse for not writing. Every time I think about doing it, I get so sad that I make up excuses. I'm sorry. You are so much in my thoughts every day, and as you know, I talk to you all the time. I still call your name sometimes when I'm trying to get your brother's attention. I just renewed your page for two years. When I started the page, I thought I would let it go after a year, because I just felt so sorry for all of the people I saw on here who had been members for years and years. But I can't allow myself to lose this connection to you just yet. I miss you every day, Lula, and I think about you all the time. We bought flowers for your garden last weekend. Right now I can't remember what all we chose, but I will tell you about it soon and send a picture. Daddy loves taking care of your special garden, and I love that he does. Lula, I miss you so much. I know that you're with me and that you love me, too, but I just wish I could hold you and feel your softness once more. I have to work on you anniversary, and I wish I didn't, but I will go to Plum Island next weekend, and maybe Daddy can come, too, and we will think about our girl. We love you. 'til next time. Love always, Mommy P.S. Here is a picture of your brother. He is a very silly boy 5/19/10 Hi, sweetie. I woke up to a reminder from the people at Rainbows Bridge that today is your anniversary. It would have hit me in a little while, but it's very early and you know how fuzzy I am in the morning! :) I have to work today, which is just as well, because there's a nor'easter raging outside and Plum Island wouldn't have been possible. I'm going to go there this weekend. Know that I will be thinking of you all day, as always. I love you. 5/19/12 Dear Lula, How has it been that in two years I haven't had the strength to come on here? SO much has happened in that time, and much of it not good. The one thing that hasn't changed, though, is our love for you. I think of you every day. Your pictures are all over our new house, and Lester is still playing with your toys (he loves Rainbow Stick as much as you did; I think he knows he shares it with you). I had hoped that after a while, I'd be strong enough to come on here like the lovely people who sent me such beautiful words of encouragement after I lost you, and the wonderful man who just signed your guest book today, and offer support and encouragement to others who have had to say goodbye to their best friends. But after four years, baby, I know I'm not strong enough. Just opening your page and trying to write to you makes me cry. I have decided not to renew your page any more, but to write to you in the special journal I have for you, and just to talk to you more. I will save all of the things I have put on here as well as the guest book signatures, and maybe one day I can reactivate your page. I love you with all of my broken heart, Lula. I hope you know that. Love always and forever, Mommy

Photograph Album
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Tallulah's People Parent(s), Jan, would appreciate knowing you have visited their Baby's Residency. Click here to Email Jan a message, or to send a sympathy card click here. Email this page to a friend. Give a gift renewal of Tallulah's residency.

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